Rethinking Time-Out: Teaching Children to Repair Mistakes

Sometimes children hit a certain age, growth spurt in their brain, or just have strong personalities.
I have found myself in the place where I have needed to go back to what I learned and understood to be the best way to help my child. Not what's convenient, but makes lasting change.

Every child is different, I know this. I know for mine, and maybe some of you, my child does not do well with isolation or punitive forms of correction. Going into parenting our daughter, we knew this would be the case. Not just because we knew her personality ahead of time, but also because we were bringing a child into our family from a hard place. She knows all too well the feeling of isolation, abandonment and fear.

With this in mind, we had to learn that the typical way of correcting her was not going to work as well. For this reason we chose to take typical parenting tool and view it in a different light. This was the tool of time-outs. We chose to instead try a thing called a "time-in." Some of you may have a modified version of this already!

A time-in was coined by a developmental psychologist from TCU named Dr. Karen Purvis. She shares in her research that children who struggle with being able to connect or have experienced high punishment/isolation need a form of correction that is attachment rich and trauma sensitive. It is basically saying, "I can correct my child, but still stay connected to them as a parent. I do not have to disconnect to discipline my child"

Instead of sending them away in isolation you have them sit at a "think it over" spot where they are in your sight and let them calm down. That may be on the couch, in a special chair or in their room with the door open. Then, with whatever words they can process based on age and development, you explain what they did wrong and how they can do it right.

Not only is this attachment rich parenting, but it is problem solving for the future. In a traditional time-out you aren't usually able to engage in much of this. The end of the "time-in' includes something unique called a "re-do." After you explain, or if older and they respond back, how they could have done it different, you take them back to the place they had the behavior and have them role play doing it over, the correct way. Dr. Purvis calls this, "the good stuff" because it's where the child's brain starts to learn muscle memory. After doing this hundreds (yes moms, this isn't a quick fix) children's brains start to make new connections and you eventually see a new habit formed.

It is something we have found helpful. What are some of your versions of steps in a modified "time-in"?

Here is a great video clip you can view explaining in more detail this IDEAL response.

New Everyday Cups

So this isn't really a "mom" post, well is sort of is, but not completely! Irregardless, I need your help and input!

By the time Scott and I got married we had lived together for a couple years and therefore didn't register for everyday glassware. We had enough cups and they worked for the time being. We both felt that new plates and wine glasses, amounts other things, were more important at the time. Well two houses later and a kid, we needed new glassware. I went to target last year to just get a pack of basic cups for an affordable price. I found some I liked and they have done well, but a few have broken along the way. I've decided it's time to invest in some nicer everyday glass cups. Here's my dilemma... I have no idea what a good brand is and I don't want to spend a ton of money, but would still like to get something that will last a while.

Here is what we have now:

Here is our everyday places setting too:

Now I'm looking for your opinions! Help a girl out! 

<3 Lindsey

Three Little Words

In her almost 23 months of life, Sofia has hit many of the much-celebrated milestones (and plenty of the dreaded ones, too) that most soon-to-be two year-olds do.  She smiled and laughed at the funny faces her daddy and I made at her while she lounged in her bouncer.  She rolled over after innumberable demonstrations by yours truly.  Without assistance, she sat and balanced that extra-large pumpkin head of hers the day before she turned five months old.  She ate solid foods and showed an early preference for sweets.  Shortly thereafter, she developed hives and was diagnosed with four food allergies; she has since outgrown three.  She scooted all over the house on her booty, defiantly refusing to crawl until a little less than two months before she started to walk.  She slept through the night a whole 11 times.  11.  She made friends.  She took her first plane ride, first swam in a pool, and met Mickey Mouse - all in one week!  She reluctantly dipped her toes in the Atlantic Ocean.  She bravely extended her chubby little hand to pet the most ferocious house cat known to man.  She played in the snow.  She drew with crayons.  She ate crayons.  She fell in love with Elmo.  She made animal noises.  She visited the Emergency Room.  She talked.  She talked and talked and talked, then she talked some more.  She talked nonstop.  She's still talking.

It comes as no surprise to me, nor should it to anyone who knows me, that I have quite a verbose, expressive child.  Before Sofia spoke her first official word (kitty, of course), she had been communicating with us with varying degrees of effectiveness, and her frustration showed.  Mine did, as well.  I was certain that once she started to speak, our communication would improve immensely.  And it did.  Very rarely did we have to wonder what she wanted - usually snacks - or what was bothering her - usually a lack of snacks.

More rapidly than I expected, Sofia's vocabulary began to expand.  She mastered animals and their sounds.  She learned the names of her favorite foods ("hummy" for hummus remains my favorite).  She rattled off body parts.  She recited the names of our family members.  Clothes, Disney characters, vegetables, insects - no problem.  She not only knew how to say so many words, but she knew how to use them correctly.  Her mastery left me in wonderment at how powerful and efficient her little mind was.  At one point, it seemed as if she was adding 2-3 words a day to her vocabulary, sometimes even words that we didn't actively try to teach her.  It was evident that she was paying very close attention to what we were saying whether or not we were talking to her.  So when, I wondered, would she start to say those three little words which I had so gently whispered to her multiple times a day even since before she was born?

Part of our bedtime routine is saying goodnight to Daddy.  Daddy tells Sofia, "I love you, Baby."  Sofia responds, "Wuv."  It's absolutely adorable, and I love getting to witness it every night.  Still, hearing this night after night for months on end did nothing to quench the thirst to hear that word directed to me.  Mommy.  Giver of life.  Nurturer.  Milk maid.  Nurse.  Short order cook.  Taxi driver.  Social secretary.  Personal shopper.  Court jester.  Personal assistant.  Mommy.  When would she tell me she loved me?

As Sofia began stringing several words together into sentences, she became a little narrator of sorts.  "Mommy almost done shower."  "Kitty Rufus poopy floor."  "Baby hungry."  "Where Daddy go?"  "Big boy shoveling [snow]."  "Mommy car driving."  The list goes on and on.  If it's happening within our vicinity, I will hear about it, even if I'm the one doing it.  Sometimes, it's as if she gets caught in a loop, and she'll repeat the same darn thing upwards of ten times; she really spares no expense when it comes to getting her point across.  The mundane little details warrant just as much attention as do the big ones. 

The other day, we were driving home from a play date at a friend's house.  Sofia usually uses this opportunity to point out each passing vehicle and ask me where it's going, and this day was no exception.  As we pulled into our development, she victoriously shouted, "We're home!"  I navigated the car into our parking spot, put the car in park, took the keys from the ignition, and braced myself for the long walk into our building in the snow.  Out of the blue, my little narrator announced, "I love you, Mommy."  And just like that, I was prouder than words could describe.

Toddler Tantrums

Bless the sweet middle-aged lady in the grocery who saw my exasperated look while my little girl screamed at the top of her lungs in the middle of a tantrum.  This lady told me to take a deep breath and it will be ok.  She looked at me with understanding, a look that only another mother could give.  She'd been there.  She likely missed those days now that her kid(s) were probably grown and on their own.  I will too, one day.  But for now, days pass and all I feel like I do is go in circles and discipline her nonstop, and when naptimes and bedtimes are my time to recharge and recover.

I am a first time mom, but I do have younger siblings and have done quite a bit of nannying in the past.  I have always said I would never be one of those parents who counts to three (and then does nothing), gives "empty threats" or doesn't follow through with consequences.  I just don't think it's effective.  Don't get me wrong, there is a lot to be said for picking your battles.  And lately I've been a little lot more selective...I can't drink wine every night!  :)  

There are several techniques that I use to discipline Ellie.  In no particular order...

• Firm voice saying "NO" and telling her "if you do that again (or if you don't stop __________), I will ________________."
• Following through with above warning if it happens again.
• One warning on bad behavior and straight to time-out.  "You are in time-out because you didn't listen/hit mommy in the face/hit yourself in the face" (we have a hitting problem right now!)
• Ignoring the behavior (such as screaming or other "unpleasant" behavior but not necessarily "bad" behavior)
• Mommy time-outs.  Very necessary when I feel myself losing my patience/temper.  

As much as these tantrums and testing boundaries sure test my sanity, I really do believe that one day I'll miss these days.  I'll miss the cuddles at night as I rock her to sleep and silently wonder how I could have ever possibly been frustrated or upset with her earlier that day.  

I hope that I will be like the lady in the grocery store-tomorrow or in the years to come.  Someone who gives an understanding look or words of encouragement to a mother who is on the verge of having a meltdown themselves.  I hope that we (all of us moms) don't judge the other mom in the store who has a kid that is screaming their head off.  Give that Mama a tender look, a smile; remind her that she isn't alone.  Trust me, it goes a long way.

xo Jamie

DIY Spring Banner

Today I though'd I share a simple tutorial for making an inexpensive/easy banner. With it now being Spring (in some parts of the good ol' USA) I thought I'd share the banner I made to add a little spring cheer to our fireplace!

What you need:

• 12x12 Scrapbook Paper (the amount you need will depend on the length of your banner and how much variation you want in pattern).
• Ruler
• Pencil
• Double sided tape (I like the dispenser type you can find in the scrapbooking section of a store)
• scissors  
• String or twine

Instructions: 

1. Lay a piece of scrapbook paper out.
   
2. Fold in half.
   
3. Measure to the center with a ruler and mark with pencil and then cut in half.
   
4. Cut this half in half again (you should end up with four squares from one piece of paper).
   
5. Fold each smaller square into triangles. If you end up with over lap just trim off. 
   
   
   
6. Put your choice of string or twine in the fold and use double sided tape to seal. 
7. When you've added the desired amount of triangles (based on where you want to hang) cute string and hang!
   

I also did this for Jases first birthday party to add some colorful decor! It's super easy, fast and in expensive way to add color and design to your home or even a party you're hosting! 

Below are pictures from Jases birthday party. With these, I wanted the triangles bigger so I just folded the 12x12 pieces into triangles! 

<3 Lindsey