Rethinking Time-Out: Teaching Children to Repair Mistakes

Sometimes children hit a certain age, growth spurt in their brain, or just have strong personalities.
I have found myself in the place where I have needed to go back to what I learned and understood to be the best way to help my child. Not what's convenient, but makes lasting change.

Every child is different, I know this. I know for mine, and maybe some of you, my child does not do well with isolation or punitive forms of correction. Going into parenting our daughter, we knew this would be the case. Not just because we knew her personality ahead of time, but also because we were bringing a child into our family from a hard place. She knows all too well the feeling of isolation, abandonment and fear.

With this in mind, we had to learn that the typical way of correcting her was not going to work as well. For this reason we chose to take typical parenting tool and view it in a different light. This was the tool of time-outs. We chose to instead try a thing called a "time-in." Some of you may have a modified version of this already!

A time-in was coined by a developmental psychologist from TCU named Dr. Karen Purvis. She shares in her research that children who struggle with being able to connect or have experienced high punishment/isolation need a form of correction that is attachment rich and trauma sensitive. It is basically saying, "I can correct my child, but still stay connected to them as a parent. I do not have to disconnect to discipline my child"

Instead of sending them away in isolation you have them sit at a "think it over" spot where they are in your sight and let them calm down. That may be on the couch, in a special chair or in their room with the door open. Then, with whatever words they can process based on age and development, you explain what they did wrong and how they can do it right.

Not only is this attachment rich parenting, but it is problem solving for the future. In a traditional time-out you aren't usually able to engage in much of this. The end of the "time-in' includes something unique called a "re-do." After you explain, or if older and they respond back, how they could have done it different, you take them back to the place they had the behavior and have them role play doing it over, the correct way. Dr. Purvis calls this, "the good stuff" because it's where the child's brain starts to learn muscle memory. After doing this hundreds (yes moms, this isn't a quick fix) children's brains start to make new connections and you eventually see a new habit formed.

It is something we have found helpful. What are some of your versions of steps in a modified "time-in"?

Here is a great video clip you can view explaining in more detail this IDEAL response.