The D word...

For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a mom, lots of babies, big family, drive a mini van, pass down the clothes, need a big table...FAMILY. 

When we got pregnant with our first, Reagan, I felt like my dreams were coming true, I mean minus the constant "morning sickness" the heart burn the general horrible feelings (because lets be real no one dreams of that part of pregnancy). 

Nine months later our beautiful baby girl was here, things seemed pretty smooth, a few issues, sleep deprived,  the new mom feelings and the hormonal craziness...but something was off, something was wrong with me. I was the D word... depressed....I hated that word, I hated myself for being "depressed" I was a christian, a mom, you can't be depressed. BUT I WAS.

The waves came and started crashing over me, one after another, they were hard, they stung, they were cold and scary:

first wave: you are a bad mom

second wave: why are you sad, some people can't have babies and you are complaining about yours

third wave: you will never be happy

fourth wave: you do not have what it takes

fifth wave: mom guilt for feeling this way

and they just keep coming, pretty soon it takes all of you under.

I lied, to myself, to my husband to my friends, that I wasn't depressed, that I wasn't sad.

 

About six months later, I finally opened up to my midwife. I cried, I let it all out, I was honest for the first time . And the funny thing was, for the first time in six months I felt like I could breath. I felt fresh air. She sat with me for 45 min just listening and hugging me. At that moment I knew one thing, If I want to be free of those feelings I can no longer hide them, I can no longer do this alone. We all become moms different ways, we all have our own stories, we all have waves that crash over us and take us out, but that is when you become brave, that is when you become strong, that is when you become the woman you were created to be, in those storms in those moments when you feel as though you will break, as if you will loose it all, drown, be swallowed up, YOU WON'T. 

We made a list of things for me to do, to help deal with the PPD. Simple yet powerful things that help, like take a walk (get out of the house) 

exercise (the endorphins help) 

go on a date night once every couple weeks or once a month

get a babysitter if you can and have a little alone time, go and browse Target and drink coffee, just be you, not a mom, YOU for at least an hour. 

I had to deal with those lies, those lies that like to creep their ugly head in and whisper or yell at you in the worst and most vulnerable times. The lies that we believe because its easy, it easier to believe you are failing than succeeding, its easier to give up than to fight. 

I read a blog, from a strong woman who is in her battles, in her fight, and she said 

"we are called to be warrior moms, to raise warrior kids, who turn into warrior adults, who can and will change the world" 

To all my mom friends, we are in this together, lets be warriors today. I know you are, I know everyday feels like a battle, but know you are not alone. We are all in this together. 

Nicole