Riding the "Mom" Waves; Foster Care, Miscarriage and Pesty Lice

My April was a mom's greatest blessing and worst nightmare. It's not common to say those 2 things together, but that is truly what it was. 

We started the first day of the month welcoming a 10 year old girl from foster care into our home. The conversation to become straight foster parents was something we thought we had put on the shelf until Angel (our daughter we adopted) was older and we had more parenting experience under our belt. This was thrown back on the table when we got a call about a 10 year girl we know in foster care who needed a family to live out her days in the system. 

We immediately knew we were suppose to pursue placement of her, since she already knew us and needed a safe place to live. Transitioning a new sibling into the home is ALWAYS a challenge. Even biological kids struggle, but the dynamics going into 2 broken & needy kids coming together is so beautiful and yet so tragic. Little did I know we would soon find out God's plan is that we would be broken together...

On top all of that in the first week of April I was late...you know the infamous, "Hmm...I'm feeling weird maybe I should take a pregnancy test." At first,  I didn't think anything of it. I have had infertility issues the past 1.5 years and we had just closed the door on any further treatments for it shortly before the call for out foster daughter .But to my surprise at 2am, after having to get up to go pee 3 times, I tested positive on a pregnancy test. I freaked out, flicked on the lights & gleefully bounced on my sleeping husband while throwing the pee-stick in his face. 

Our joy was short lived (5 days to be exact) when we got news of low HCG levels & then an all too familiar feeling late in the night/early in the morning. 

The month we stop getting treatments we get pregnant on our own and don't realize it, become foster parents and then...get this...get a plague of lice for weeks. I mean the day after I miscarry?!?

Surely this is not what I signed up for as a mom. I couldn't believe it! 

Sometimes being a mom can be overwhelming. There are days, months or years you just want to hide under the covers & never come out. Recently I read this book called Bittersweet. The author      Shauna  Niequest gives us some thought provoking advice in life. I think mom's can especially take a hold of this.

   "Every wave presents us with a choice to make, and quite often, I have stood both resolute & terrified, staring down a wave. I have been smacked straight on with the force of the water, tumbled, disoriented, gasping for breath...spit onto the shore...refusing to float on the surface & surrender to the 'sea.' More awareness of God's presence & action & ability less strangle hold on my fear & anxiety. More floating, and less getting tumbled." (Bittersweet) ‪

It's a life long learning process but I'm realizing I must learn this...it's the only way I will survive these types of seasons. Parenting is much more than raising kids, it's also about refining us too. 

Here's to a new month of choosing to surrender... 

Love and Loss

As many of you know, my husband and I have one daughter, and our plans were to keep it that way for awhile. Last May, we had a little surprise when we found out we were pregnant again. Lots of different thoughts went through my head....are we ready for 2? Is Emery ready to be a big sister? How am I going to work and take care of two babies? I was excited, don't get me wrong, but nervous and stressed. I was still unhappy with my post baby body from Emery so that was another stress. 

We went in for a confirmation check up and they said that yes we were in fact pregnant. And then the morning sickness started. It was horrible when I had it being pregnant with Emery but now having to take care of her and deal with being sick, I didn't think I was going to make it. The day after Emery's first birthday we went in for my first ultrasound. We were so excited to see and hear our baby. We'd accepted the fact that our kids would be only 19 months apart and we were okay with it! 

Then it happened...the tech started the ultrasound and there was just an empty sack on the screen. No baby, no little heart beat beeping on the screen...nothing. My heart dropped, I didn't experience this at all with my first. She did a vaginal ultrasound and the same thing happened...she tried reassuring me saying maybe I wasn't as far as I thought but I knew I was. She couldn't really tell me anything though and I had to wait for my doctor to officially give me the news. 

As soon as she walked in I could tell it wouldn't be good. She said the baby hadn't grown and that there wasn't anything in the sac at all. She said I would miscarry and told me exactly how it would happen. I would have to go in for blood work twice a week to measure my hormone levels and make sure that they were going down, otherwise I would have to have surgery. 

Even though this baby was not planned, I was still completely devastated. What did I do wrong? Would I be able to have more children? I always wanted 3 but would 1 be all I could have? I had no clue what to do...we'd already told our families that we were expecting and now she had to go back and say never mind, there's no baby. It was horrible. 

After all the crying, sadness and feelings of inadequacy, came the waiting. When was 'it' going to happen? I hated the waiting...my husband had to go out of state for work the week of my birthday and I just KNEW it was going to happen then. Sure enough, on my birthday I started having some cramping. I went to the bathroom and didn't leave for over two hours...I won't go into details but it was horrible. 

     

My point in sharing this is not to get sympathy from you or to have you feeling sorry for me...it's to let women know that this is a much more common occurrence than people realize. It's not the end of the world either, you learn so much about yourself, your husband and your children. I appreciate my daughter so much more, I appreciate my husband so much more...when I become pregnant again I will appreciate that pregnancy so much more too. 

My miscarriage happened for a reason, I'm not sure what that reason was but I know God has a plan and that's how we've been able to get through this. I hope sharing my story helps someone else to get through any pregnancy hardships they may be going through. 

Thank you <3

Randi