The D word...

For as long as I can remember I wanted to be a mom, lots of babies, big family, drive a mini van, pass down the clothes, need a big table...FAMILY. 

When we got pregnant with our first, Reagan, I felt like my dreams were coming true, I mean minus the constant "morning sickness" the heart burn the general horrible feelings (because lets be real no one dreams of that part of pregnancy). 

Nine months later our beautiful baby girl was here, things seemed pretty smooth, a few issues, sleep deprived,  the new mom feelings and the hormonal craziness...but something was off, something was wrong with me. I was the D word... depressed....I hated that word, I hated myself for being "depressed" I was a christian, a mom, you can't be depressed. BUT I WAS.

The waves came and started crashing over me, one after another, they were hard, they stung, they were cold and scary:

first wave: you are a bad mom

second wave: why are you sad, some people can't have babies and you are complaining about yours

third wave: you will never be happy

fourth wave: you do not have what it takes

fifth wave: mom guilt for feeling this way

and they just keep coming, pretty soon it takes all of you under.

I lied, to myself, to my husband to my friends, that I wasn't depressed, that I wasn't sad.

 

About six months later, I finally opened up to my midwife. I cried, I let it all out, I was honest for the first time . And the funny thing was, for the first time in six months I felt like I could breath. I felt fresh air. She sat with me for 45 min just listening and hugging me. At that moment I knew one thing, If I want to be free of those feelings I can no longer hide them, I can no longer do this alone. We all become moms different ways, we all have our own stories, we all have waves that crash over us and take us out, but that is when you become brave, that is when you become strong, that is when you become the woman you were created to be, in those storms in those moments when you feel as though you will break, as if you will loose it all, drown, be swallowed up, YOU WON'T. 

We made a list of things for me to do, to help deal with the PPD. Simple yet powerful things that help, like take a walk (get out of the house) 

exercise (the endorphins help) 

go on a date night once every couple weeks or once a month

get a babysitter if you can and have a little alone time, go and browse Target and drink coffee, just be you, not a mom, YOU for at least an hour. 

I had to deal with those lies, those lies that like to creep their ugly head in and whisper or yell at you in the worst and most vulnerable times. The lies that we believe because its easy, it easier to believe you are failing than succeeding, its easier to give up than to fight. 

I read a blog, from a strong woman who is in her battles, in her fight, and she said 

"we are called to be warrior moms, to raise warrior kids, who turn into warrior adults, who can and will change the world" 

To all my mom friends, we are in this together, lets be warriors today. I know you are, I know everyday feels like a battle, but know you are not alone. We are all in this together. 

Nicole 

Raise 'Em Up

Being a parent is life’s greatest blessing, and also it’s biggest responsibility.  There is no instruction manual that we leave the hospital with; we are learning right along side our babies as we go.  At church on Mother’s Day, our Pastor led a special prayer for all of us moms.  I stood there with my husband’s hand on one of my legs, and one of my bestie’s hand on my other leg as they prayed over me.  It hit me so hard in that moment how big my responsibility actually is.  To teach my children right from wrong.  To raise them in the ways of the Lord.  To have patience on days when I want to rip my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs.  To be an example of the type of person I want my children to be.  To put my phone down and just be present.  To tell them always how important they are to me, but more importantly, in God’s eyes.  And when I hear my 2 year old daughter sing “Jesus Loves Me” while we are riding in the car, my heart smiles and all I can think to myself is just how right she is.

xo Jamie

Riding the "Mom" Waves; Foster Care, Miscarriage and Pesty Lice

My April was a mom's greatest blessing and worst nightmare. It's not common to say those 2 things together, but that is truly what it was. 

We started the first day of the month welcoming a 10 year old girl from foster care into our home. The conversation to become straight foster parents was something we thought we had put on the shelf until Angel (our daughter we adopted) was older and we had more parenting experience under our belt. This was thrown back on the table when we got a call about a 10 year girl we know in foster care who needed a family to live out her days in the system. 

We immediately knew we were suppose to pursue placement of her, since she already knew us and needed a safe place to live. Transitioning a new sibling into the home is ALWAYS a challenge. Even biological kids struggle, but the dynamics going into 2 broken & needy kids coming together is so beautiful and yet so tragic. Little did I know we would soon find out God's plan is that we would be broken together...

On top all of that in the first week of April I was late...you know the infamous, "Hmm...I'm feeling weird maybe I should take a pregnancy test." At first,  I didn't think anything of it. I have had infertility issues the past 1.5 years and we had just closed the door on any further treatments for it shortly before the call for out foster daughter .But to my surprise at 2am, after having to get up to go pee 3 times, I tested positive on a pregnancy test. I freaked out, flicked on the lights & gleefully bounced on my sleeping husband while throwing the pee-stick in his face. 

Our joy was short lived (5 days to be exact) when we got news of low HCG levels & then an all too familiar feeling late in the night/early in the morning. 

The month we stop getting treatments we get pregnant on our own and don't realize it, become foster parents and then...get this...get a plague of lice for weeks. I mean the day after I miscarry?!?

Surely this is not what I signed up for as a mom. I couldn't believe it! 

Sometimes being a mom can be overwhelming. There are days, months or years you just want to hide under the covers & never come out. Recently I read this book called Bittersweet. The author      Shauna  Niequest gives us some thought provoking advice in life. I think mom's can especially take a hold of this.

   "Every wave presents us with a choice to make, and quite often, I have stood both resolute & terrified, staring down a wave. I have been smacked straight on with the force of the water, tumbled, disoriented, gasping for breath...spit onto the shore...refusing to float on the surface & surrender to the 'sea.' More awareness of God's presence & action & ability less strangle hold on my fear & anxiety. More floating, and less getting tumbled." (Bittersweet) ‪

It's a life long learning process but I'm realizing I must learn this...it's the only way I will survive these types of seasons. Parenting is much more than raising kids, it's also about refining us too. 

Here's to a new month of choosing to surrender... 

Where'd that come from?

"Where'd that come from?"  It is a question I hear no less than 30 times a day during Sofia's waking hours.  When she asks, it may or may not be obvious about what she is inquiring.  She may or may not be pointing to the object in question.  The object may or may not be something she has seen before; often, it is. Frequently, the object is something about which that very question has already been asked - multiple times.  "Where'd that come from?"  "Where'd that come from?"  "Where'd that come from?"  It all makes me wonder sometimes, "where'd my sanity go?"

All joking aside, Sofia is a very curious child, and I adore that about her.  Curiosity is such a basic, intrinsic part of childhood, and one of the great joys of parenthood is watching your child discover the world through wide, bright eyes.  Sofia seems to exercise her curiosity to the extreme, and at times, it does wear on my patience.  Initially, after being asked and then answering "where'd that come from?" several times in a row about the very same item, I would just ignore the subsequent inquiries.  If ignoring a toddler during a tantrum is a good way to get the tantrum to stop, maybe the same would work for a toddler conducting a one-question interrogation?  No.  Funnily enough, that's not how it worked.  So instead of ignoring the question, if I heard it more than three times, I would answer her by turning the tables and asking her, "where'd that come from?"  More often than not, she would answer me, repeating back what I had just told her.  But it didn't stop her from asking again.

I came to realize that perhaps the question Sofia was asking wasn't really the one to which she wanted an answer, maybe not all of the time.  Sure, when we're in the car and she peers out the window and inquires about a bird, another vehicle, or a pedestrian, she likely wants to know where it came from, so I will answer accordingly.  But when we're in the grocery store and she points to a pomegranate or a spaghetti squash, something with which she is not familiar, rather than tell her where it came from, I will tell her what the item is.  Nine times out of ten, she will not again ask where that particular item came from - she has her answer.  For as many words as Sofia has in her vocabulary, she does not yet seem to be able to string together "what's that?"  Another reminder that this tiny little fireball really is still a little girl, albeit a precocious one.
 
Well-intentioned people always like to warn parents of toddlers to beware the whys, the neverending whys.  I myself have received my fair share of those warnings.  And when I hear one, I smile and nod politely, all the while welcoming that new challenge.  Why?  Because it is a rite of passage.  Because it will mark a new milestone in Sofia's life.  And - YES - because it'll give me a break from the wheres.  But mostly because it will offer me even more chances to teach my girl about the world, to help her to understand how things work, grow, play, interact, break, begin, end, to encourage her to think and wonder and question her surroundings, to brighten her beautiful brown eyes even more.  How could I grow tired of that?

Night and Nap Time Struggles

I'm going to go ahead and update this post before I even post it because, well, when i originally started this post to now his sleeping has changed even more! Update will be in blue.

It seems that Jases' good sleeping habits have changed since he turned TWO. He used to sleep 12 hours at night and take a 2-3 hour nap during the day. Lately he has been waking one to two times a night and wanting to sleep longer during the day. I can only assume he wants a longer nap from waking at night.

When he wakes at night he always goes right back to sleep, it's like he just wants us in the room. I've talked to his doctor about this and she mentioned that at this age they are realizing they're alone when they wake. I was concerned because Jase waking is nothing new, really, but months ago he would just put himself back to sleep with out needing us. This is definitely not the case today.

So, my husband and I have discussed what we want to do to try and help him sleep. Here are our options:

Take his nap during the day away or change how we get him back to sleep at night. There are pros and cons to both options. I'm scared to take a nap away in fear I will have a really demanding and cranky child on my hands. Not to mention that fact that any alone time I had to be productive during the day goes out the window. A pro would be that hopefully he would go back to sleeping,longer stretches and maybe I could afford to stay up later and do what I need to.

If we did the other I fear that we all will be losing more sleep and this will make the days hard as well because Jase will want to nap longer and I'll be waking him. But we could also figure it out quick what gets him to sleep and how to get him there with minimal crying to teach him to go to sleep on his own if he happens to wake.

Jase finally had one molar pop through and slept two nights in a row. I think it's safe to say that it was his teeth all this time keeping him up. At his to year appointment the doctor said they were probably moving a lot when I mentioned he had been tugging on his ears and not sleeping well, but nothing was pooping through so I had moved on to it being just a sleep issue. I was also going along with the fact that he was generally in a good mood. 

After two nights of good sleep he was starting to work on a second molar. That night he slept terrible again. So I think we'll be losing a little more sleep until he finishes getting all of them in. I think my husband and I will both be happy when he is done teething! Two more teeth! Woohoo! 

Even though I think we've narrowed down why Jase is waking which helps us deal with it the best we can, I'd still like some tips/tricks on sleeping that you have done that work! So lay them on me!

<3 Lindsey